The Evil Effects of a Marathon to Your Human Body
Worried that your body is possessed by evil forces when you run marathons? It is. But those forces originate in places that may shock you!
Depending upon your definition of the word evil—the Merriam-Webster dictionary says that the word means morally reprehensible, harmful, and in archaic vernacular, “causing discomfort or repulsion”–you could have a problem making a connection between bodily functions and evil. But book an appointment with your bod so you can talk about what it believes and you’ll get an earful.
History proves that Greek hotties ran 26.2 miles wearing nothing but loin cloths in ancient times. Some of the most virile members dropped dead at the finish line, failing to collect their rewards, though their corpses were posthumously heaped with honours. And you thought today’s extreme sports were harrowing!
While your body isn’t capable of having a conversation with your head, acknowledging the torture to which you subject it every time you fill out a registration form for a marathon may help you reconcile this dilemma.
Scared to find out how much evil your body must fight off when you put on running shoes to surpass a personal best? Better stop reading now if the only time you can stomach blood and guts is on Halloween!
The case of the evil brown urine
You love tea. And foods prepared with soy sauce. But what you might not love is peeking into your toilet to discover the water in the bowl is brown rather than yellow. We won’t lapse into complicated scientific jargon here; suffice to say that this colour change is triggered by stressed-out muscles that release energy-producing proteins.
By the time these proteins reach your bladder, they are expressed as dark urine. It’s just a sign that your body is doing its thing so you don’t drop dead like those Greek dudes did back in the day.
You’re not breastfeeding, are you?
Breasts get a bad rap—especially in our sexually-charged world where celebs parade on red carpets in outfits that reveal everything but strategic crotch and nipple areas. Guys get off lightly here—we don’t recall JRod showing up with JLo in a tux that hides his nipples.
That said, unless you’re breastfeeding, nothing should be discharging from your nipples on a regular basis. Unless, of course, you’re running a marathon and you failed to put nipple covers over your tender assets, leaving them vulnerable to chafing and bloody discharge. This sign of evil can be avoided if you give your breasts the TLC they deserve every time you run.
Wearing little black toenails?
Sandal alert: Mr. Micheas Chan of Watsons Singapore admits that nail polish shades come in waves like graduated start times at marathons, and he was one of the first fashion experts to mention Ciate’s introduction of a polish named "Caviar."
You might not have to buy a bottle of this black polish if you find blackened toenails on your feet after a killer marathon. Every time your foot lands, your toes slam into your shoes like some evil act of witchcraft.
Black toenails triggered by trauma can be compounded if you wear ill-fitting shoes. A positive spin? Imagine how much money you’ll save on trendy black nail polish if you run enough marathons.
When you’re hot, you’re hot
Male and female runners like to look hot on and off the marathon circuit. But feeling hot? Not so much. Your body heats up when you run. Literally. And the faster and longer you run, the hotter you get. This results in low-grade fevers that can top out at 39°C if you're engaged in an extreme sport.
Happily, there's nothing to worry about. Once skin cools down, body temperature drops—but temperature fluctuation comes with a bit of evil: It can expose you to germs floating about and if your immune system is vulnerable, that evil can invade.
Ever feel sick the day after a marathon? Doctors refer to this phenomenon as a trophy virus. And you thought all you were going to pick up at the finish line was a t-shirt, finisher’s medal and drawstring bag!
You’re kidneying me, right?
Thought that yukky brown urine issue was put to bed earlier in this article? Not so fast. We need to take you to the root of your renal system by informing you that your kidneys also get a workout when you run a marathon.
Scientists note a post-race trend of kidney injuries peaking a day after an event is run. Don’t panic. This is a temporary condition that usually resolves itself a few days later, but it serves to remind anyone with kidney issues to think twice before signing up for marathons.
Does this mean your kidneys deserve to be called evil? That’s between you and your organs.
Getting to the heart of things
When doctors check patients to see if they’ve had a heart attack, a telltale sign is an abundance of the chemical troponin found in the blood system. Don’t get faint when we tell you that your heart likely produces troponin during and after you run a marathon.
Like a heart attack, that red muscle gets overworked when you exert yourself. In fact, your heart silently pleads for more oxygen when you run hard and it takes months after a race to clear the body of this evil agent. In the interim, if you exhibit any other signs of heart distress, a doctor’s appointment is recommended.
Evil is as evil does! Do you say a prayer before you run? Light incense or get in touch with your sacred side on a yoga mat? Give in to the fact that your body is going to do its thing as a direct result of the way you’re wired and go forth unafraid of evil that lurks.
Just the fact that you run regularly and treat your body like a temple are reasons to feel confident that you can tackle any evil that comes your way. But in case you want to double your power, it can’t hurt to wear a Samadhi amulet or an equally powerful symbol on and off the marathon circuit.
What’s the strangest symptom your body exhibited when you ran marathons in the past?